Back Issues:

Episode 1

Episode 2: The Constant Struggle

I guess the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" is quite true when it comes to DSL in the boon-docks. It seems like every day my 192kbps of download keeps getting slower and slower and slower.

Wyatt just told me that SBC is going to upgrade the upload speed to to super fast for all normal users. But why the fuck am I left out? I am one house over and I can't get 1.5 megs of service. What in the holy name of God is stopping me from getting bandwidth? On several occasions I have thought about taking a .22 caliber rifle and shooting all the phone repeaters on the street so that they have to lay some new shit down. But then I didn't think that a .22 caliber rim-fire would penetrate the hardened plastic casing and exit the other side. Maybe my 6mm Remington would do the trick. Plus I would have the advantage of distance. I could pick them off from my front yard. Ah, for the birds I say. I don't have enough balls to risk an inquiring police visit just for some lousy DSL.

But shit. I mean, wouldn't you be pissed too if your Grandparents could get fast ass DSL and you got jack shit. I mean, my grandpa doesn't even realize how fast 1.5 Meg is. He was complaining the other day that he wasn't impressed by the DSL service. I had to explain to him that the DSL wouldn't speed up his computer, or remove all the spy-ware crap that was bogging his rig down.

I guess these little quirks in life are here to test our patients. It's God's way of saying, I'll give you what you want, but I'm not going to spoil you. But in all reality, I shouldn't complain. At least I don't have to dial in or hog my phone line. And by-golly-gee I have a decent connection where I can play computer games with my buddies.

I guess Internet purgatory isn't so bad. Stuck between broadband and pencil-dick bandwidth is something I can live with for now. However, little ‘Wy-Wy’ just moved to RB and now has a phat-ass 3megabit pipe. Little bastard doesn't even have a job yet. That's what I get for trying to be responsible.

I guess I'll just have to keep dreaming. Maybe when I wake up in the morning, my DSL will suddenly be super fast. Or maybe when I wake up there will be a Porche 911 Carrera S parked next to my mom's van. HA! And monkeys will fly out of my ass! Mother fuckers!


Mike Harris


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